Last post I discussed Leontes and jealousy. Today, I want to focus on Hermione and shock.
The title for this post is Hermione's first response to her husband's accusations of her falsehood. She's playing with her child, thinking everything is fine just as it has always been, and suddenly Leontes storms in and has the child taken away, denouncing it as a bastard and her as an adulteress. Hermione cannot comprehend it; she's shocked, confused about what has gotten into him, angered about such a slander, and already pitying him for the anguish he will feel once he recognizes his "mistake." Eventually, she is given a trial that states her alleged crimes, and she gives a heart-wrenching speech about her innocence. Leontes is unmoved; even the Oracle at Delphi's report of her innocence fails to move him. His resistance to such logical and emotional appeals is inconceivable. The only thing that finally gets him is when Hermione and their son Mamillius dies from the grief.
Hermione's situation is a nightmare, but I envy her in this: she got to hear the accusations against her and give her own response. Of all the things Leontes denies her, at least she is given some voice.
I got dumped last week. I say dumped because I had absolutely no input in the matter. It was a bolt from the blue; I thought that we were doing wonderfully. There was no discussion, no explanation given other than vague suggestions about "different places in our lives" and "feeling distant." Like Hermione, I was consumed by the shock of it all. You feel stupid, like you should have seen it coming, like there were signs you missed. You analyze every action of your past week, wondering what could have been the trigger. But in awhile you realize you aren't stupid, you didn't miss anything, it's nothing horrible that you did; the other person was just scared, and instead of talking about it, had a knee-jerk reaction to cut you out of their world. A friend of mine said that it was better this way, that I could use the anger of being dumped, hate him, and get over it sooner. I disagree. I've had one other long (and agonizing) relationship before, and even though breaking up sucked we at least talked about it together for awhile and made the decision mutually. There was transition and acceptance. Even though I felt completely disrespected and discounted in this break-up, no matter how much of a dick someone is acting like it still takes awhile to stop loving them.
Another thing people will tell you is that the person was an asshole, so you can stop caring about them. Well, I certainly hope I'm not the kind of girl to consciously date an asshole for nearly a year, and I fancy myself I'm a little better judge of character than that. So what's the deal? Should Hermione have seen how much of a jealous jerk Leontes could be? Does his behavior signal that he's had this in him all along, that she's loved a man who is a heartless prick in disguise? I can't believe that. People make mistakes. In the end he's sorry and it takes 16 years for them to come back together. I'm not saying I believe that my ex will realize his mistake and come back to me; I'm too much of a realist. Though he's acted in the poorest way, I cannot believe that this is who he has always been. I believe he has made some kind of mistake, in dumping me or perhaps just the manner of dumping me, which he may or may not come to see in time. But I can't hate him, can't say I was wrong in feeling the way I did. I know I'm young, but... when it came to emotional investment, I was in, and I was all in. The time, the effort, future plans... it was all there, and he knew it was there for him, because I genuinely felt that it was something worthwhile, something I could live on, thrive on. So much for that.
Thankfully, I think I'm doing better than Hermione, who became frozen statue-like for the next 16 years. After a day crying and a day getting drunk, I'm taking it as easy as I can. Thank whatever deity you prefer for the Camillos and Paulinas of the world that help you out in these situations, be it giving you a place to stay or going out dancing with you. I still believe, I must believe, that even a tale about winter ends with the promise of spring.
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